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Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks. Masks that I'm afraid to take off. And none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me. But don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without. That confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the water is calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!!! My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask!! My ever concealing mask. Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind. A nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend. To shield me from the glance that KNOWS.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation, and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls, from those barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself. THAT I AM WORTH SOMETHING!!! But I don't tell you this, I don't dare. I am afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will NOT be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh. And your laugh will kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm NOTHING, that I'm just no good, and that you'll see this and reject me. So, I play my game; my superficial game. With a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I'm telling you everything that's real, nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So, when I'm through with my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully to what I'm NOT saying. What I need to say for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.
I dislike hiding!!! Honestly!!! I dislike that superficial phony game I play. But you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want, to need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes that blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you are kind and gentle. Each time you try to understand because you really care; my heart begins to grow wings. Very small wings. But wings. With your creativity and sympathy and power of understanding, you can breath life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me. Now,you can be a creator of the person who is me if you choose to -please choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can remove my mask. You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison. So do not pass me by. Please do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you!!! A long conviction of worthlessness builds very strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. I FIGHT AGAINST THE THINGS I CRY OUT FOR.
But I'm told that love is stronger than walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands. But with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.
by
John Szpylman
